thoughts-part I

Before I begin, I will apologize in advance (to the two people who still read this) for this entry not making sense. I also want to say that I am not in any way complaining about a specific church, or group of people that I may know. These are just personal struggles that I need to accept responsibility for and look for ways to become more humble and like Christ.
This is my first time putting these thoughts into words, and yes, Isaac, there will be terms your are probably going to make me define, but here goes.

Church
For quite awhile now, this word/idea/thing has bothered me. I feel guilty for the feelings and questions I have, so when I try to explain them, I want to recognize most of the problems I have with church probably reflect my own lack of maturity and growth, but nevertheless, I need to work through them.

When I use the word, church, I am referring to the established Christian community in my limited experience.

So many people I know have become disillusioned by church and spend most of the time complaining, but not looking for answers or ways to make it better. I find that I do this sometimes, but no good comes from this.

So, where to begin? What has troubled me with church?

in worship:
I used to (and still do, but it's been so long) love worship through music. I've always loved to sing and feel like I could convey my heart in no other way. But for a long time now, I've been restless and embarrassed at how much my worship time seems to be more for myself than it is for God. Lately, I've found comfort in singing out of obedience, rather than emotion. I love the songs that state clear truth of what I know about God. While other songs ramble on and on, one cheesy verse after another. I ask myself, "Do I really mean this? Would I say this to you, God, individually?"

in teaching:
Please teach me to be thoughful and reflective. I know this is ultimately my responsibility, but we need to encourage one another to be this way. We as Christians are developing (or have developed) a reputation of ignorance. We don't think through what/why we believe, we just accept what we're told because the person who told us is behind a pulpit. You don't need to guilt me into Bible study or prayer...that's been self-defeating in the past and present.

in service:
it's human nature to want to spend time with people most like us and people who aren't that needy, but we are asked to give of ourselves sacrificially and help the needy. Why is it so hard to find people who are willing to help? Should I expect them to, when these people are MY friends, and not theirs? Or am I just being lazy and wanting to blame others for my lack of courage and persistence? Or have I reacted the same way when someone else mentions a need?

I ultimately know that my lack of study and reflection is what has created some of my frustration. So I know this is my first step in starting change.

...to be continued