Up until recently, I never understood why people go through some sort of "mid-life" crisis. I'm really not that old, but have started to feel rather panicked about all the things I'd like to do, and the reality that life is already busy and limited.
On one hand, I've never been as happy as I am now staying home and raising Hannah. She's been such a fulfilling part of my life and I am cherishing every minute.
But there's this really ugly side of me, the one that cares what other people think, that makes me feel somewhat unproductive and unimportant. I realize that my perceptions of what others think is misconstrued at best, but I feel the urge to prove to the world that even though I stay at home, it doesn't mean I can't do anything else. Pride....that's another really ugly part of me.
On the other hand, what if being a homemaker IS all I can do? What's really wrong with this? I'm very blessed to have people around me reminding me that what I'm doing is very important, maybe the most important thing I can do. But the prideful, approval-seeking part of me needs more convincing. I really want to be humble, and content with being in the background....but it's a rather painful process....and I just wish I could perform some kind of personality transplant; painful, yes, but quicker than this slow process of dying to self.
5 comments:
Krista- I have been thinking about this same thing- alot! I am frustrated with the way society has made stay at home mom's feel like they have "failed" in some way. It boggles my mind that raising a life seems to be a "meaningless" task in some eyes. God has created each of us for one reason or another and to be a part of that creation to "help" Him out by raising something He gave us- well that's no small task. I was a little freaked out when I had Koke- I didn't think that I would be able to do what was called of me. I was overwelmed with the idea- that I wasn't just raising Koke but his kids and their kids.....I have such an impact on how I raised Koke that that will effect so many others, not just Koke. I thought about his wife- man- I don't want her ticked off at me for not "doing something" right in the way that I raise him. So, all I can do is use the awesome skills- to the best that I can- that God has given me to take care of someone He gifted to me. All that other stuff (wordly status) won't mean a thing in the end. I know you know all this- I just wanted to let you know, I totally know what you mean..........the long version.
Thanks, Toni. I know this struggle is a common one.
Sometimes I also wonder if my choosing to stay at home makes others feel I'm judging them for working....which is frustrating as well. Not sure how to reassure others except to try to step out of the "judging" game all together.
By the way, Toni, when are you going to start a blog? =)
The judging game just sucks (sorry for the bluntness) all together! I love listening to Mike's sermon's in this James series we are in at church. It has really opened my eyes to judging altogether. I thought I was already sensitive to the issue before, well now I'm even more so. I find myself now- relieved.......it's so much easier on myself to not judge others than to judge! Seriously- I find myself able to (and still practicing) just "let go" alot easier when I engrave the thought/knowledge that God is the only one allowed to judge.....at all! This is something I have been working/experiencing lately. I have baby sat a couple friends kids (I loved these kids and their parents very much!) but both parents work full time. I found myself feeling sorry for the kids that I was watching. They get to see their mom and dad for four (somewhere around that) hours a day and on the weekends. I would get frustrated- wondering "how is this kid going to turn out" or "are they going to have that connection with their mom's that they should". Yeah, I know- not my job!! Then the sermon came.......I was reminded to step back and just do what I feel and know what God calls me to do and that's it! So easy to TRY and do more- which in the end I would mess things up more than help since it's what I want. Wow, maybe I should blog.......it's sort of theraputic!!
I love the letter you wrote to Hannah. It's precious. She has an awesome mom!
Yeah, you really should blog! =)...and thanks, Toni.
Will you be in M2M this year? Hope so!
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